That Florid, Floating Dungeon Called Home

I'm wary of turning these first few weeks into "FD: Yay or Nay?" for teams that have reconfigured during the off-season. But when these moments strike, I feel obliged to speak up—atone, even, when it's a squad I've dumped on in the past. While it's not exactly eating crow, since I stand by my right to have opinions, sometimes I go too far (okay, usually), and when there's a shift I swing back in the other direction and get outright penitent.

All of which is a long way of saying: Welcome back, Mavs. I know you lost that game, to a Rockets team that, despite a T-Mac who looked some combination of hurt, old, bothered by Artest, or morphing into a true point forward, had CONTENDER written all over them. You could feel Artest's presence throughout the game, mostly in the way that the undersized PF corps suddenly seemed like a movement, an undercurrent of grit and determination that really buoyed the more courtly Yao and McGrady. That's where he seemed to fit in best, not as a member of a mythical Big Three. And he was piling up points, some smart, some stupid, but never so crazy that he threw off the team's rhythm—and that was before he effectively took over the game when it needed sealing. In this respect, almost like a second T-Mac.



Still, what got me most thrilled about that game the Mavs. I know, I know, all I care about is running and flexibility. But after having spent so much time irritated by Avery's attempt to Spurs-ify Dallas, and after this summer, badly wanting to see Howard make a statement, when that team had it going I felt like I was turning up an old favorite that had previously been buried. Dirk went inside some, and yet also felt free to launch off from anywhere. The main thing was that he was fluid, not forced or strained. I may not love Jason Kidd, but in Carlisle's offense—yes, a ton of credit is due there—when he sets people up, it's for them to make a move, prove their worth, keep the game in motion. He looks happier, they look happier, and honestly, again Nowitzki can frighten you with his sheer strangeness.

And then there was Howard. Night and day from the disastrous end to last season. He got to handle the ball to get in rhythm, sometimes even bringing it up the court. He was daring but not careless, believing in his elastic, bounding moves in a way he just didn't seem to last spring. Like Dirk, nothing was forced, and yet there was an edge of danger and imagination that made you realize that this team wasn't going to be predicable, or conservative. This team is good enough to run, and resolve what might initially look crazy or out of control into a smart decision. Contrast that with the New Knicks, who at their best last night needed to think first about being smart, then gamble a little.

I'm pretty sure that Houston has the capacity to be more of a defensive force; Dallas, who knows. But for my twisted purposes, welcome back, guys.

BONUS: Steinz does a Q&A with yours truly, commenters revolt.

-Part one of "Draft Daze," a Dallas Penn-approve short about one man and his hoops dream.



-If you haven't already, check the new shirts. They will upend you.

BMW 135i by Hartge

German based BMW Group tuning specialist Hartge first showed us off-the-shelf parts for the 1-Series coupe when it was first released, and then shortly followed with the aerodynamics kits. Now Hartge have developed an ECU upgrade for BMW's already potent 3.0-liter bitrubo engine in the 135i coupe releasing an additional 44hp.

The result is a total of 350hp at 5660 rpm and 480 Nm (lb-ft 354) at 2950 rpm. The sprint from 0 to 100 km/h (62 mph) arrives in 4.8 seconds – a half second faster than its standard 5.3 seconds. Also, an unrestricted top speed allows 280 km/h (174mph).

Hartge states that a 135i fully equipped with the entire suite of components will cost in Germany € 48,162.14, excluding VAT.

Peace Detects You

Admittedly, my plan was to live-blog Heat/Knicks last night, and the Obama infomercial, at the same time. I have a bunch of notes from the whole thing. But then I got bummed out at Beasley's errancy—in part because it's not like he was helpless, just off—and then got lost in a sea of League Pass and fantasy moves that had me thoroughly exhausted by around 10 my time. So instead, some brief thoughts on the Knicks.

Let's be honest here: A lot of us, even (or especially) Knicks fans, hate a lot of these current players. It could just be the stain of those last few years, or maybe the fact that some of them need only the slightest shove to inspire disgust. Marbury and Curry are beyond rescue, but I remember the young Zach Randolph, and Jamal Crawford is unfairly crucified by us all, at every opportunity, just because he happens to have shared a backcourt with Steph. Nate Robinson is equal parts lovable and detestable. Quentin Richardson is, as I've said before, someone a lot of us once jocked, though unlike Z-Bo, Q just kind of disappeared. It's embarassing to fall out of love with a player like that.

So that leaves what, David Lee and Wilson Chandler as unspoilt? Neither of them could be a figurehead for goodness. Which is why I was worried that the Knicks, no matter how D'Antoni-y they got, would still be a fundamentally gross team. And pleasantly surprised to find how easy it was to get excited about them during that first half, when they really seem to have taken that (Obama rip-off?) meme of newness, change and freedom to heart. Maybe it was the fact that Q-Tip gave them an original song to hammer home that meta-point.



This left me with one, possibly disturbing, conclusion: Mike D'Antoni makes players easier to root for. It's top-down identity, which violates everything I stand for, but I like to think it's a little more subtle than his system imposing character. More that, in the same way that certain borderline players could be trasnformed into mucky pariahs by the Isiah Knicks, playing for D'Antoni, coming into his sphere of influence, brings out their potential to be both more exciting and less retarded. What's more, he transmutes the imperative of style; when the team's goal is to get up and down fast as possible, move the ball three steps ahead of the defense, and dribble only if you get a note from teach, you have to use your imagination.

From this site's perspective, D'Antoni brings out the best in players. This would be disturbing if he didn't offer such open-ended directives; I also don't know if I like saying, "oh, those Spurs, they keep Manu from being a player I would totally love." Giving players a framework in which they have to think for themselves can have snazzy results; a team where discipline is less abstract (admittedly, San Antonio's looser than it was four years ago) isn't going to give a ton of minutes to someone whose game has no predilection toward this within it. Remember, Argentina is a part of Europe, genetically speaking.

The third quarter didn't have quite the same feel to it, and I felt myself seeing the Knicks through more jaundiced eyes again, even as they failed to throw away the game. Skipped the fourth; maybe they took a good, long stare at D'Antoni during a timeout and returned to the first half's sense of purpose. You could hear this in the announcing, too, which always seemed on the verge of going back to the same old griping. One night is a crappy sample, but if I stay interested in this team, and Wilson Chandler starts to warrant repeated consideration, we'll have found an important role for the coach in facilitating style—at least this particular madman in charge.

STORE UPDATE:



Tracy McGrady print now available due to popular demand. If you've already bought a print and want the new T-Mac instead, just drop us a line at freedarko 'at' gmail 'dot' com, and we'll swap your order.

Ford Mondeo by Rieger

20 year old German based tuning firm Rieger has released a subtle styling package for the new Ford Mondeo wagon that builds off of the standard appearance with something that is a bit more noticeable without being to extravagant. The kit offers a front lip spoiler, side skirts with cutout shaft and rear bumper fascia. All components are available in either ABS plastic or carbon fiber look. The rear bumper fascia comes in three versions depending on exhaust configuration – dual pipes on both right and left side, single sport pipe or single downward curved pipe. Moreover, Rieger also offers for the Mondeo a coilover suspension by KW and chip tuning upgrades from SKN Technology.

New SL-Class Facelift by Lorinser

Following the teaser image from earlier this month, well known German tuner, Lorinser, have finally pulled the sheet off their new facelifted SL-Class. Designed in characteristic Lorinser form, the SL-Class program includes front bumper fascia, wide flare fenders with grille vents, side skirts also with grille vents and diffuser look rear bumper fascia which accommodates four pipe exhaust system. Also available for the package are the Lorinser RS9 wheels and lowered suspension. Lorinser states in their press release that performance engine upgrades are currently in development.

Seat Leon Body Kit by JE Design

VW Group tuning specialists JE Design have gone ahead and developed a fourth, no wait, fifth aerodynamics body package for the Seat Leon. Still closely resembling the base Leon P1 kit (non-Cupra, FR & wide body), the German tuning expert now offers a carbon fiber look adhesive film in various colors.

The body kit consists of a front bumper fascia with new LED daylight running lights, grille, headlamp lens strips, side skirts and newly designed rear bumper fascia skirt attachment which accommodates four 90mm exhaust pipes.

Under the hood, JE Design is offering a new power increase via engine management upgrade that bounces the standard 103 kW (140 hp) up to 130 kW (176 hp). Torque also increases by 85 Nm to 405 Nm.

New 19-inch multispoke wheel-set, 4-piston brakes and coilover suspension capable of lowering ride height from 35mm to a ground scraping 65 mm round out the package. See press release below for full details.

Widebody Kit for W204 C-Class by Expression Motorsport

Belgian Mercedes tuner Expression Motorsports have put together a DTM inspired wide body package for the new W204 C-Class. Larger air vents in the bumper and hood enhance engine cooling while the widebody kit allows for the larger wheels up to 22-inch to be fitted. The kit consists of front bumper fascia with fog lamps and LED indicators, front carbon fiber lower lip spoiler, hood from C 63 AMG, hood vents, 10 piece fender flair set, side skirts, rear bumper fascia with carbon fiber diffuser and integrated LED F1 brake light and deck lid wing plus additional carbon deflector. Finally, a double twin-tip exhaust system along with an assortment of wheel packages round out the kit which Expression Motorsports refers to as their EX C Motorsport kit.

The Macrophenomenal Website (And All It Contains)

Ordinarily, we'd take Opening Day to giggle, shake, and look forward to another season of NBA action. But this year, we already went and presaged the whole thing. In case you care, Bulls/Bucks is the real game to watch, and if you've got any fine wines stashed for the occasion, save them for Wednesday's Knicks/Suns answer-fest.

Instead, WELCOME TO OUR BOOK'S HIGHLY ADVANCED WEBSITE. Of special interest shall be the media page, which has embeddable preview widgets and our theme song. And kindly swing by Ye Olde FD Imperial Outlet, where you can pre-order new shirts and limited edition prints of the book's art. In the future leading up to the book's release, there will be more previews, some other media surprises, and the long-rumored Silverbird Stats Corner.

Anyway, feel free to turn this into an open thread about whatever, and we'll be around soon with a new post. Hopefully, this other site will tide you over, and maybe even convince a few more people to buy the book itself.

CLK 63 AMG Black Widow by Vorsteiner

The Vorsteiner name is still somewhat fresh in our brains following the recent E92 M3 CSL package story, but the California based tuner wants us to remember it permanently. So they've quickly released another kit but this time for the Mercedes-Benz CLK 63 AMG Black Series dubbed, “Black Widow”.

Striving to subtly enhance the already dangerous looks of the Black Series CLK, Vorsteiner have crafted functional front and rear spoilers which are constructed of lightweight dry carbon fiber. Vorsteiner states the spoilers improve down force & aerodynamics during high speed tests at the track over 321km/h (200mph).

The carbon fiber rear spoiler balances the fr

ont end out by extending the original factory rear lip spoiler design by approximately 50mm with a more aggr

essive wing profile. Both of these components are a direct bolt onto the factory body panels without any modifications required.

While You Were Sleeping VII: The FreeDarko EVERY GAME PREVIEW

We proudly present the sixth and final installment of the FreeDarko EVERY GAME PREVIEW--as featured on NPR'S All Things Considered!

August readers of FreeDarko, we are on the verge of an historic triad of Tuesdays. First, tomorrow, we have the inaugural games of the 2008-09 NBA season. If you want to know in advance will happen tomorrow night and for the rest of the month of October (and November), click here. If you want to know what will happen in April, then read on, brothers, read on.

Before you do that, I must speak on the sacred right that belongs to all American citizens who have reached the age of majority and who may or may not be ex-convicts, that is the right to elect the next president of this great nation. I myself have already voted, but Tuesday, November 4, is the traditional, and indeed final, day on which you may exert this right. We, the authors of this site, like to stay above the fray when it comes to politics, but I will remind you that only one candidate in this election stands 6'3" and possesses a wicked jumpshot. Let your conscience be your guide.

At last, we arrive at the third and most gravely important of these Tuesdays--November 11, the day the Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac is made available for public consumption. Stay tuned to this location for more information. And, while I am on the subject of sports books, I would be remiss if I did not direct you to purchase Big Daddy Drew's opus Men With Balls, which officially drops tomorrow, or to PopMatters, which features Comrade Craig's disquisition on the vast literature dedicated to the study of LeBron James.

On a final note, we were humbled by a request to select our favorites from the many worthy stories that have appeared in the lofty pages of Sports Illustrated magazine. Please feel free to list your own favorites in the comments.

And, now, to the entrails!!!

[Note: Bethlehem Shoals wrote a good deal of the odd days.]

Apr 01 Toronto@Orlando: The Magic start their second unit as an April Fool's prank, but those oh-so-international Raptors pretend not to get it and jump out to a 30 point lead from which Orlando never recovers. Afterward, SVG realizes that Chris Bosh is from Texas and Sam Mitchell was born in a barbed wire pumpkin patch, and that this revolutionary double April Fool's maneuver will make him a goat for all of history to see.

Apr 01 Charlotte@Boston: After the game, Kevin Garnett takes Raymond Felton and Sean May out to Sligo's, where the three swap Rashad McCants stories well into the night.

Apr 01 Detroit@New Jersey: Devin Harris badly outplays Chauncey Billups and Rodney Stuckey, but nobody notices.

Apr 01 L.A. Lakers@Milwaukee: Derek Fisher really loves that Steinwand Colby cheese.

Apr 01 Miami@Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki plays aggressively all game, leading the Mavs to a 111-98 victory. Asked whether he thought Dirk was extra motivated to play against the Heat, Wade remarked, "Oh wait, is that the team we beat in the Finals?"

Apr 01 Houston@Phoenix: Luis Scola and Ron Artest bond while listening to Scola's prized collection of Argentinian psych vinyl (all originals--NO REISSUES!), and he lets Ron Ron pick one record to keep. When he selects the one with a nude Raul Porchetto on the cover, Luis looks at him quizically, "I really thought you were going to go for the Orion's Beethoven."

Apr 01 Sacramento@Golden State: In order to exploit mismatches, Reggie Theus starts Beno Udrih, Kevin Martin, Francisco Garcia, John Salmons, and Donte Greene. The Warriors win 136-129, and Ronny Turiaf somehow scores 40 points.

Apr 01 Washington@Memphis: Hakim Warrick takes Gilbert Arenas and Antawn Jamison out to Boscos, where the three swap Kwame Brown stories well into the night.

Apr 01 New Orleans@L.A. Clippers: Surprising everyone in attendance, Cuttino Mobley marries Emmanuelle Chriqui in a special halftime ceremony.

Apr 02 Milwaukee@Philadelphia: Luc Mbah a Moute has a big night off the bench, fueled by his frustration that "The Large Glass" is never on display when he's in town. Who cares about early 19th-century Chinoiserie textiles anyway?

Apr 02 Cleveland@Washington: DeShawn Stevenson, preoccupied with devising a gimmick for the first round of the playoffs, allows Delonte West to score 37 points.

Apr 02 Utah@Denver: Benefitting from the thin air in Denver, Kyle Korver heats up from outside to complement Williams-to-Boozer, and the Jazz win going away.

Apr 03 Miami@Charlotte: Gerald Wallace tries to block a Beasley dunk, and they both end up with their heads sandwiched between the rim and the backboard.

Apr 03 San Antonio@Indiana: Before the game, Gregg Popovich closes on a new house in Martinsville, commenting: "This is my kind of town. I can see myself retiring here."

Apr 03 Atlanta@Boston: Joe Johnson treats this trip to Boston like it's a huge rivalry game and is therefore befuddled when the Celtics sit the Big Three and still win the game courtesy of a strong performance from Leon Powe.

Apr 03 Dallas@Memphis: Gerald Green and Greg Buckner switch teams at halftime, and everyone feels much more comfortable.

Apr 03 Portland@Oklahoma City: Want to know something cool? Raef LaFrentz and I (Recluse) have the exact same birthday. Want to know something even cooler than that? Raef is "fear" spelled backwards.

Apr 03 Cleveland@Orlando: While trying to convince Lebron that they would play really well together, J.J. Redick refers to himself as "the white Damon Jones."

Apr 03 Minnesota@Utah: Due to certain off-season trades and acquisitions, the Timberwolves have become extremely popular in Utah, and the game unexpectedly sells out.

Apr 03 Sacramento@Phoenix: Amare Stoudemire sets an NBA record for most dunks in a game.

Apr 03 New Orleans@Golden State: Ben Braun, former Cal basketball coach, attends the game and is shocked to see his former player Sean Marks in an NBA uniform.

Apr 03 Houston@L.A. Lakers: Ron Artest and Lamar Odom eye each other suspiciously throughout the game.

Apr 04 Toronto@New York: Nathan Jawai and Andrea Bargnani go visit the Statue of Liberty. Roko Ukic declines the invite.

Apr 04 New Jersey@Chicago: The Nets get comped tickets to see "Jersey Boys" at the Bank of America Theatre, but aside from Vince Carter, they come away disappointed.

Apr 04 Detroit@Philadelphia: Playing in his hometown, Rasheed Wallace completely dominates Elton Brand, reminding everyone of potential never fully realized.

Apr 04 Orlando@Atlanta: Rashard Lewis loves playing in Atlanta because he can get good Korean BBQ. Have you ever tried to find decent kalbi in Orlando?

Apr 04 Miami@Washington: Nick Young and Dominic McGuire cover Dorell Wright's hotel room in mayonnaise, but Wright gets the last laugh, dropping a career-high 34 points in a Miami victory.

Apr 04 Memphis@Milwaukee: Early in the second quarter, Marc Iavaroni pulls O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley, and Javaris Crittendon, and replaces them with Darko Milicic, Marc Gasol, and Hamed Haddadi.

Apr 04 L.A. Clippers@Denver: Baron Davis and Paul Davis run around Denver with video cameras telling everyone they're brothers. Most people just look annoyed or scared, but they think it's hilarious.

Apr 05 San Antonio@Cleveland: LeBron outcoaches Pop, is immediately presented with a tithe for which he has no use and hundreds of loyalty oath greeting cards.

Apr 05 Phoenix@Dallas: Kidd arbitrarily decides to look at this as a revenge game. Nash, insulted by someone taking away his revenge game, outplays him badly.

Apr 05 Charlotte@Detroit: Larry Brown, coaxed back to the bench by Tar Heel pride, gives a pre-game speech about how it was all Ben Wallace's fault. Fans all reach for the envelope that's been glued under seats since The Malice, remove the bottom piece of bread from their sandwiches, and pile them up in the parking lot.

Apr 05 New York@Toronto: Add Bosh to the list of players D'Antoni would love to have in his offense. And like that, he's on the 2010 radar in the New York tabloids, quietly amused by this new development.

Apr 05 Portland@Houston: Why is it that Yao/Oden just doesn't seem like a battle of the thunder lizards?

Apr 05 Denver@Minnesota: There are certain games that a coach hands over, gift-wrapped, to a lesser player. McCants, sing for us all.

Apr 05 Utah@New Orleans: This is the game where we all officially stop drooling over Bron/Wade match-ups, and recognize why Yao/Oden doesn't get our turnips sprouting in the least. It's because, for individual stories, league-wide trajectories, and plain old draughts of feeling, Paul/Deron can't be topped.

Apr 05 Indiana @Oklahoma City: Scrunch up your mind's eye to the fullest and you can imagine Durant playing for the Pacers when they were in the ABA, which is a really cool thought.

Apr 05 Philadelphia@New Jersey: Really easy opportunity to do a one-by-one comparison of these Sixers to the golden age of State Prop.

Apr 05 Golden State@Sacramento: Don Nelson has convinced Mullin to sign those little "tooth fairy" monsters from the last Hellboy movie. Don't trip, it's only ten days. It seems to make sense at home, but when they start stripping Hawes's legs clean, a collective "ewwwww" rises up from the league and Nelson's suspended for a game.

Apr 05 L.A. Clippers@L.A. Lakers: Someone wins the pennant! Someone wins the pennant!

Apr 07 Philadelphia@Charlotte: Jason Richardson has somehow put up MVP-like numbers, despite being on a Larry Brown team. This cancels out the "but your team sucks" objection.

Apr 07 Atlanta@Toronto: Acie Law figures out before the game that if you look at the skyline of Toronto backwards, like on a negative, it's identical to that of Atlanta. Begs Woodson to make this part of the strategy for the night, and who knows, maybe he did

Apr 07 New Orleans@Miami: The Heat demand to play the Saints instead.

Apr 07 Portland@Memphis: Grizzlies decide to hand out Willie Mitchell mustaches for fans to wear, forgetting that they make white people look like John Waters. Incidentally, Waters will always carry a torch for Bob McAdoo.

Apr 07 San Antonio@Oklahoma City: Clay Bennett announces that the new arena will be shaped like the sphinx. Games will take place in the feet, each of which will be a separate arena. The rest will be a casino. The Spurs are frankly impressed.

Apr 07 New York@Chicago: For some reason, this "I wish we had this guy" is particularly poignant for the Knicks. Come to think of it, why do they have that sentiment so much? Because Isiah used to sign anyone in sight?

Apr 07 Orlando@Houston: The Rockets are a lot better than the Magic, Hedo or no Hedo.

Apr 07 L.A. Lakers@Sacramento: Trevor Ariza starts to wonder if he's actually on the Kings and just hasn't realized it yet.

Apr 07 Minnesota@L.A. Clippers: Corey Brewer decides he could be the Theo Ratliff of steals.

Apr 08 Washington@Cleveland: Delonte West and Lorenzen Wright force Terence Kinsey to watch the movie "Kinsey." He is so horrified that he immediately converts to Islam and changes his name to Aasim Jafari, Aasim meaning, "person who keeps away from sins."

Apr 08 Toronto@Indiana: Roy Hibbert has a break out performance with 17 points, 12 boards, and 6 blocks. People around the league are already whispering, "Next Andrew Bynum," even though Hibbert is actually a year older than Bynum.

Apr 08 Memphis@Orlando: During the third quarter, Rudy Gay and Hedo Turkoglu get into an in-game three-point shooting contest, which Gay wins by hitting 5 out of 6 to Turkoglu's 3 of 7. He is immediately pulled for Kyle Lowry.

Apr 08 New Jersey@Boston: Dana Goodyear interviews Chris Douglas-Roberts before the game for a New Yorker piece she's writing about professional athletes with hyphenated last names.

Apr 08 Detroit@New York: Mike D'Antoni gives Stephon Marbury the nickname "Cancro," which he likes because it's "on some Godfather or Soprano type shit." Danilo Gallinari can't look at Marbury without laughing.

Apr 08 Atlanta@Milwaukee: Realizing the team is headed back to the lottery, Scott Skiles plays Joe Alexander 47 minutes, and he responds with 34 points, 11 boards, 7 assists, 3 steals, and a block in an Atlanta victory.

Apr 08 Phoenix@New Orleans: After being thoroughly outplayed by Chris Paul, Steve Nash goes into the locker room and bloodies his own nose at halftime. The Suns come out fired up and win the game by 18.

Apr 08 Portland@San Antonio: The Blazers keep running fresh young players at the Spurs, who look as if they're playing in slow motion. On the sideline, Nate McMillan is positively beaming.

Apr 08 Oklahoma City@Denver: Desmond Mason is one of the top three or four abstract painters in all of Oklahoma. No shit.

Apr 08 Utah@Dallas: At halftime, Jason Kidd passes an actual torch to Deron Williams, who is initially confused, but then humbled and honored.

Apr 08 Minnesota@Golden State: Mark Madsen makes plans to take Kevin Love to a Stanford frat party, but Love bails on him to go to a strip club with Stephen Jackson.

Apr 09 Philadelphia@Chicago: Samuel Dalembert is late to shootaround due to long lines at the Museum of Science and Industry.

Apr 09 Houston@Sacramento: In his first game back in Sacramento, Artest focuses exclusively on defense and refuses to shoot the ball. Amidst near-constant booing, Houston wins 70-63 in the lowest scoring game of the season.

Apr 09 Denver@L.A. Lakers: While in Los Angeles, Linas Kleiza meets with some agents about launching his acting career.

Apr 10 New York@Orlando: Dwight Howard is the only person on both teams who shoots a field goal that isn't from behind the three point line.

Apr 10 Cleveland@Philadelphia: J.J. Hickson, flexible aggression.

Apr 10 Indiana@Atlanta: T.J. Ford dunks over Josh Smith and Al Horford and is still able to walk afterwards.

Apr 10 Miami@Boston: Having missed most of the previous season, Dwyane Wade finally realizes how good these Celtics really are.

Apr 10 New Jersey@Detroit: Amir Johnson and Sean Williams block each other's shots on four consecutive possessions.

Apr 10 Phoenix@Memphis: HAVE YOU PRE-ORDERED THE BOOK YET?

Apr 10 Charlotte@Oklahoma City: The Thunder try to sneak Blake Griffin onto the team, giving him Johan Petro's jersey. No one notices until midway through the third quarter. Oklahoma City later wins the draft lottery, but has to forfeit the pick due to their chicanery. Cheaters never win, kids.

Apr 10 Washington@Toronto: JaVale McGee is stopped at the border for having absurdly long arms.

Apr 10 New Orleans@Dallas: Julian Wright out-Josh Howards Josh Howard with an impressive display of slashing, play-making, and long-limbed defense.

Apr 10 Utah@San Antonio: Remember when these two teams used to meet in the playoffs every year? God, that was boring.

Apr 10 L.A. Lakers@Portland: Kobe spends the entirety of the third quarter trying to dunk on Rudy Fernandez. When Gasol realizes what's going on and confronts him about it, Kobe smiles sheepishly and denies it.

Apr 10 Houston@Golden State: Shane Battier rents a customized Prius convertible and spends the afternoon driving on the PCH with DeMarcus Nelson.

Apr 10 Sacramento@L.A. Clippers: Eric Gordon is ejected from the game for punching Francisco Garcia in the face after Garcia called him "Stewie."

Apr 11 Orlando@New Jersey: Jameer Nelson and Devin Harris face off in a game of stocky versus rangy. Stocky wins out this time.

Apr 11 Phoenix@Minnesota: Mike Miller and Kevin Love have by this point established a rhythm where Miller leaks out early to receive Love's outlet passes. Combined with his uncanny shooting skills, this allows Miller to lead the league in scoring while only playing 31 minutes per game.

Apr 11 Charlotte@Chicago: Adam Morrison takes the train out to Oak Park and does a walking tour of Frank Lloyd Wright houses.

Apr 11 Oklahoma City@Milwaukee: This game matters only to Desmond Mason.

Apr 11 Golden State@Utah: Monta Ellis is just now nearing his peak, having missed the early part of the season due to injury and injury-related suspension. He feasts on the Jazz backcourt, and the Warriors drop Utah a notch in the Western Conference standings.

Apr 11 Portland@L.A. Clippers: Although Travis Outlaw lost his starting spot early in the season, he carries the Blazers down the stretch, helping them clinch a playoff spot.

Apr 11 Detroit@Indiana: Jeff Foster, one of the two players left from "the brawl" team, goes into the stands and punches a fan, just for old time's sake.

Apr 12 Dallas@New Orleans: Ever since the election, Erick Dampier has been reading presidential biographies, and his interest in the life of Andrew Jackson makes him see New Orleans with new eyes.

Apr 12 Boston@Cleveland: In a hard-fought battle for playoff position, the forgotten Daniel "Boobie" Gibson seals the win for the Cavs with some clutch fourth quarter shooting. He is visibly angered when a reporter calls him as the "Stephon Curry of the NBA."

Apr 12 New York@Miami: Jeff Van Gundy, on hand to announce the game for ESPN, agrees to have his picture taken holding on to the leg of any fans who stand 6'5" and taller.

Apr 12 Philadelphia@Toronto: For some reason, Thaddeus Young has a huge following among Chinese-Canadians, who come out in full force to show their support.

Apr 12 San Antonio@Sacramento: Spencer Hawes explains that he was not joking when he demanded a trade to the Raptors, "I mean, I just can't live under a socialist regime like what Barack Obama wants to do to this country. Stephen Harper knows the true meaning of freedom."

Apr 12 Memphis@L.A. Lakers: A huge number of Persians come out to support Hamed Haddadi, making Jordan Farmer really uncomfortable and leading to an 0-fer shooting night and 6 turnovers.

Apr 13 Cleveland@Indiana: Travis Diener continues his quest to register the lowest FG% ever by a Caucasoid guard.

Apr 13 Toronto@Washington: Before the game, Eddie Jordan suddenly realizes the key to utilizing Blatche: Give him a player on the other team to observe and emulate during the game, and damn it, he will. So today he's Chris Bosh, and bests his model. Like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers version of Odom. "Snatch up your body" is a mid-1990's rap phrase that so epitomized the era that if it had ever been used, the earth would've ended and become inhabited by plastic bottles.

Apr 13 Chicago@Detroit: Amir Johnson and Tyrus Thomas spend the night trying to one-up each other, forcing Sportscenter to run over by five minutes and clip the opening credits to Sports Trivia for Women Who Have Seen Athletes Naked.

Apr 13 Charlotte@New Jersey: Important for lottery position, and I can guarantee you, neither franchise is well-suited to making that count for something.

Apr 13 Orlando@Milwaukee: Statisticians working overtime underneath a volcano in Iowa realize that, if you map out a social network for the entire NBA, no two teams end up more closely linked than these two.

Apr 13 Minnesota@Dallas: Corey Brewer tells Josh Howard he's always sought to emulate his game; Howard scores a disappointing 12 points on 6-20 shooting, but can nevertheless tell Brewer he's got a long way to go.

Apr 13 New Orleans@Houston: Ron Artest convinces Rafer Alston to break out his old streetball moves, which results in an NBA record 16 steals for Chris Paul.

Apr 13 Sacramento@Denver: Game is postponed while the Nuggets laugh at Spencer Hawes for fifteen minutes. He responds with some very cheeky rebounding.

Apr 13 L.A. Clippers@Utah: Ronnie Brewer and C.J. Miles accidentally hold hands for a second and are benched for the rest of the season.

Apr 13 Memphis@Phoenix: Shaq makes an offensive remark about the background of Hamed Haddadi, and no one can decide whether they should come to his defense or not. O'Neal takes it upon himself to apologize when he remembers he's a Muslim, is subsequently accused of being a Muslim for apologizing, and yet never admits it to the public.

Apr 13 Oklahoma City@Portland: By this point, the suspense of the 2007 draft will seem distant and nonsensical. Instead, the Blazers let Shoals deliver a halftime sermon on what a moron Ron Christie is.

Apr 13 San Antonio@Golden State: "I'm sorry, I refuse to take the court with a team that's signed Steve Martin's ghost to a 10-day contract. Steve Martin isn't even dead!"—Pop

Apr 14 Miami@Atlanta: Hands down the most exciting game of the year.

Apr 14 Boston@Philadelphia: After the game, KG joins Elton Brand and Werner Herzog for a private screening of "Rescue Dawn."

Apr 14 Utah@L.A. Lakers: The post-game embrace between Kobe and Deron Williams is long and intense. Kobe is heard murmuring, "I would move to Salt Lake City for you."

Apr 15 Philadelphia@Cleveland: The top two teams in the East battle for homecourt advantage throughout the playoffs. The Sixers clinch it with a Lou Williams triple at the buzzer.

Apr 15 Milwaukee@Indiana: The Pacers obviously throw the game, with Josh McRoberts going 1-9 from three point range.

Apr 15 Charlotte@Orlando: On the last day of the regular season, Sean May has finally played his way into shape. He hits from all over the floor and snares rebounds like Rodman in his prime during a meaningless Bobcats win.

Apr 15 Washington@Boston: Having missed most of the previous season, Gilbert Arenas relishes the chance to go against the champs and abuses Rajon Rondo for 43 points. The Wiz lose.

Apr 15 Detroit@Miami: This game is like watching Gwyneth Paltrow eat tapas.

Apr 15 New Jersey@New York: Both teams are out of the playoffs, so Jay-Z, Woody Allen, and Spike Lee spend the night playing poker at the 40/40 Club.

Apr 15 Houston@Dallas: There is no reprise of that magical game where Dirk and T-Mac traded buckets all game. No, this night belongs to Yao Ming, who dominates inside, leading the Rockets to victory.

Apr 15 Atlanta@Memphis: Marvin Williams and Al Horford combine for 67 points and 43 rebounds, ensuring a return to the playoffs for the Hawks.

Apr 15 Sacramento@Minnesota: Brad Miller laments that it's too warm to go ice-fishing, but he and Spencer Hawes go sit in the woods and drink beer anyway.

Apr 15 Toronto@Chicago: On the occasion of Tax Day, Chris Bosh gathers players from both teams to inform them that, contrary to popular belief, the top federal individual income tax rate in Canada is actually lower than in the United States. He even has a PowerPoint presentation.

Apr 15 New Orleans@San Antonio: Having clinched home court advantage for the first round, both teams rest their starters. George Hill scores 48 points in a loss.

Apr 15 Golden State@Phoenix: The Suns win 83-75. Mike D'Antoni, watching at home, weeps.

Apr 15 Oklahoma City@L.A. Clippers: Both teams are mathematically out of the playoffs, and the absence of pressure allows Jeff Green to show off his "Tim Thomas with a brain" game to the fullest, thus embarrassing the actual Tim Thomas.

Apr 15 Denver@Portland: J.R. Smith actually plays better when he’s high and drops a career-best 62 points, exclusively on dunks and 3’s. The Nuggets still lose the game and miss the playoffs for the first time since 2003.

While You Were Sleeping VI: The FreeDarko EVERY GAME PREVIEW

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